In just over a week I am meant to have completed my birth plan. It’s not as if I have left it to the last minute like some piece of homework that you just hope might go away if you ignore it long enough. Until now I have been educationally unequipped to do it.

But now armed with all the basic scraps of knowledge in pain relief, cord cutting protocol and helpful positions for labour I am meant to piece together a step-by-step guide of how I want to produce my offspring.

If I had my way my birth plan would say “wake me up when it’s over and the baby is healthy, clean and dressed in the nicely washed pristine outfit bought for the occasion.” But there must be at least a shred of realism involved here and so I am trying to take the task seriously.

Thing is though, how on earth am I meant to know? It’s all very well saying that I would like to stay at home as long as possible in a nice warm bath, go to hospital at about 4 cm dilated, use gas and air for a few more hours while I get to 10cm and produce the child an hour later with nothing more than a few achey muscles and a light head from the limited pain relief, but how likely is that?

I know I’m probably going to have to go into hospital earlier than most to receive medication for one of a variety of annoying pregnancy-related issues. That means I’ll probably be there for a day while very little happens. And despite wanting to avoid some cocktail of drugs to numb the pain, having never experienced anything like it in my life I can’t really judge how I’ll cope and what to ask for.

All I know is I want my husband by me at all times. I don’t want to be overindulged in pain relief to the point that I feel awful from its side effects. I’d like to be kept mobile if only to let gravity take effect and I would like my husband to cut the cord. But if that’s all I write what if the midwife fills in the gaps with her own take on what’s best for me and I end up with a labour I didn’t want?

Truth is, after I have written it in conjunction with my husband I am sure its contents will stay between us. No one really reads this rubbish do they? I mean it’s all so futile. For all I know I’ll get there and need a cesarean, deliver at home or scream for an epidural within five minutes and giggle my way through the rest of it.

In any case, this weekend I am going to write the birth plan if only for my own peace of mind that it’s another job done on the pre-birth checklist.

It’ll be interesting to compare the fiction from the reality afterwards though...