An election campaigner often resembles a postperson. Plenty of fresh air and exercise – a good career, no doubt, except for Barnet's post boxes. Yes, I'm about to complain about my potential constituents' front doors. Not all of them, by any means. But the few that defy and bite back are very irritating. 

Are any of these your post slot?

The crab's claw: the flap is on a very tight spring. Lifting it is heartily resisted. The flap bites down hard on the hand that seeks to keep it open and scrapes off any scabs, drawing blood – as it did to my companion this week. Smart postpeople carry a wooden ruler to hold open a recalcitrant flap. Those smart postfolk also have three hands...

The dog: Is behind the door. Say no more!

The hedgehog: inside the flap, lurking invisibly in the dark, are the bristles of a hedgehog (or two) that hold off the paper until, pressed hard, they divide to let the crumpled leaflet through, often at distinctly rakish angles. Call it a draft excluder? It exclude clean, uncrumpled post.

The tease: The outside flap opens alright, but there's an inside one that is stiff. The post is blithely passed through, only to have its snout squashed like a pug dog's. My leaflets are not so cute.

The pervert: This post-slot is perpendicular. Its flap hangs down from the narrow top and opens a triangular space. Few bits of post are that shape. Always small, this blighter seems to be an aperture to welcome post, but not really.

The Jew, or back-breaker: the slot is at ankle height. Really! To get one's post inside requires the postwoman to bend right over and shove the post under the flap. Erm, no! I draw on my Jewish ancestry (on my father's side) to refuse this. Generations of my paternal ancestors died rather than bow to foreign gods. I refuse to bow before a door with a stupid slot. I slip my leaflets into the doorjamb. Perhaps the occupier will realise that this was preferable to not getting my leaflet at all. I hope!

In Ireland such slots are illegal. Here's an election promise: I'll support a campaign for similar rules here.